Ivan Ilych, a legal practitioner revered by his peers, had a frightening thought on his deathbed: What if my whole life has been wrong? He had climbed every rung of the professional ladder, conformed to every social expectation, yet still felt an emptiness untouched by his many accomplishments.
What if that were you? What if, lying on your deathbed, you realized that despite following all the rules, you overlooked what mattered most? What if you chose the wrong career? What if you spent your time on things that never really mattered? What if you were skilled at your job, but it never brought you any joy?
It’s a terrifying thought that your whole life has been wrong. But what’s even more unsettling is that this is not just a hypothetical idea.
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse for many years, documented the regrets shared by patients in the final stage of their lives. The most common regret was: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
The insights from Ivan Ilych and Bronnie Ware about living meaningfully remind me of when my dad migrated from Romania to Australia. When his family first arrived, they couldn’t afford chairs, so they used fruit boxes from the grocer instead. Even today, at various moments — like when I sit on a comfortable chair — I visualize my dad sitting on a fruit box and my heart swells with emotion. I become almost teary-eyed as I feel my chest flooded with energy, which then envelops my entire body.
This sense of awe and gratitude for being able to live in Australia fills me with determination and focus, reminding me that I won the lottery at birth and that many people are deprived of the same opportunity. It makes me appreciate that each moment is irreplaceable, that I have an obligation to work hard, think hard, and live to my full potential.
My father’s story helped me realize how much life has to offer. It made me notice that many people have stable careers, reasonable intelligence, and lead respectable lives. They do all the things their culture and families programmed them to do. They honor their commitments, study diligently, adhere to the rules, get to work on time, pay taxes, complete paperwork, raise families, retire, play with their grandchildren, and finally, they die. While this is an entirely valid way to live, a nagging question lingers: Is this all there is?
Despite outward appearances of success, many reach the end of their lives grappling with a profound sense of regret because they never pursued their innermost desires. They got caught up in life’s mundane distractions instead of embracing the depth of what life has to offer. While there were many happy occasions, these were experienced without fully comprehending that their deepest aspirations were quietly being overlooked.
It’s as if they somehow believed they had an unlimited supply of time, even though the finite nature of life is undeniable. The average person spends 45 years working, which amounts to approximately 90,000 hours. This book urges you to examine your own life so that when you reach its end, you look back without the haunting regret that plagued Ivan Ilych.
This article is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of Choose Your Work
Footnotes
What if my whole life has been wrong? See Leo Tolstoy, The Death of Ivan Ilych, trans. Kirsten Lodge (Ontario: Broadview Press, 2016).
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me: Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2012).
The average person spends 45 years working, which amounts to approximately 90,000 hours: This statistic can be calculated through some simple math. 40 hours per week × 50 work weeks per year = 2,000 work hours per year. Multiply this by 45 work years, and you get 90,000 work hours. This statistic was originally referenced by Jessica Pryce-Jones in her book Happiness at Work. Jessica Pryce-Jones, Happiness at Work (Malden, MA: Wiley-Blackwell, 2010), 12.
Dan Dobos writes about decision making, personal growth, human potential, fulfillment and helping people choose the work that they are meant to do. He is the author of Choose Your Work.