Isabel was a naturally gifted writer. From childhood, she filled notebooks with stories and poems, dreaming of becoming a novelist. She excelled in every writing class, won short-story competitions, and dreamed of applying to colleges with strong English or literature programs.
Her mother, Rebecca, had a different vision. Raised in hardship, she had spent her life desperately seeking financial stability and believed security was the highest form of love she could offer her daughter. When Isabel tried to share her excitement about writing with her mother, Rebecca worried that a writing career was unpredictable and unlikely to pay well. Rebecca was concerned that Isabel would end up struggling and feeling miserable, similar to the conditions she had experienced. Their arguments grew fiercer as college applications loomed. The more Rebecca pushed, the more Isabel resisted.
When the time came for Isabel to choose a college, she set her heart on studying literature and creative writing. Rebecca, however, was adamant that she had to pursue law and revealed to Isabel that she had secretly saved for years to pay for a law degree. One night, Rebecca gave Isabel an ultimatum: “If you apply to a writing course, don’t expect a dollar from me. You’ll throw your future away.”
Not wanting to disappoint her mother or waste her sacrifice, Isabel applied and was accepted into law school. She became a successful lawyer who was respected in her profession. Her apartment overlooked the bay, her savings account was continually expanding, and her mother beamed with pride.
Yet despite Isabel’s success, a quiet sadness lingered. Her writing notebooks gathered dust in a corner. She occasionally wrote, but client deadlines and corporate politics left her drained and unable to produce her best work. Isabel painfully realized that the heart, even when subdued, still retains an echo that no amount of money can ever silence.
Isabel always knew her mother meant well, and they enjoyed a positive and loving relationship. But Isabel constantly wondered about the path not taken — the stories she never composed and the books that remained unwritten. She couldn’t help but silently resent her mother for coaxing her into a career that Isabel knew was not meant for her.
One day, Rebecca tragically passed away due to a sudden and unexpected heart attack. Isabel was devastated and mourned her death for many months.
Approximately six months after Rebecca’s death, Isabel randomly came across a writing retreat and decided to take a month off work to attend. During the retreat, Isabel felt like she was in a new world. She effortlessly understood everything that was said. When it came to the final week of writing, she wrote from her heart. Her story was judged as the best story at the retreat from hundreds of entries. It was like she was back in high school. Isabel decided to wake up early each day to convert the story into a book. After a year of hard work, she published it. The book received rave reviews and became very popular.
When Isabel received her first major payment from the book, she realized something profound: She could now leave her unsatisfying legal career behind and dedicate her life fully to writing. Overwhelmed, she burst into tears. There were tears for the loss of her mother, tears for the book she deeply loved, and tears for the decades spent silencing her true self.
“If only my mother were here to see me now,” Isabel whispered softly, wiping the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I know she’d be so proud — I just wish she’d let me discover this path sooner.”
Rebecca truly wanted the best for Isabel, but her misguided insistence on a “safe” path illustrates a common parenting challenge. Like Rebecca, parents often impose their own fears and unmet desires for financial security onto their children. By prioritizing law school over Isabel’s love of writing, Rebecca conditioned her daughter to equate success with financial stability and social approval. This strengthened Isabel’s adapted self — the part of us that conforms to cultural norms — at the expense of her true self, the part of us that honors our innermost aspirations.
Specifically, Rebecca’s greatest error was her ultimatum, “If you apply to a writing course, don’t expect a dollar from me.” This created what psychologist Carl Rogers termed conditional positive regard. It is when love and acceptance depend on meeting external expectations. Rebecca taught Isabel that love is only forthcoming if she meets her conditions — namely, becoming a lawyer. Indirectly, she communicated to Isabel that who she is at her core is not good enough, which tragically suppressed Isabel’s true self for many decades. When children receive conditional love instead of unconditional love, they often become adults dependent on their adapted self.
Isabel’s tears upon her book’s success highlight the cost of living through the adapted self. Even though her outer journey comprised a formidable legal career and financial security, her inner journey suffered because she was unable to write and express her unique voice. The cost of following someone else’s story is the inability to create your own story.
As a parent, it’s worth taking a moment to consider how Isabel’s story may apply to your own child. What biases, fears, and unmet desires might you be unintentionally projecting onto your child? What have you told your child is “important,” not because you have deeply reflected on it, but simply because you have assumed it to be true? It’s natural to fear your child’s failure — but what if your fear becomes their prison?
Parents often minimize the pain of career dissatisfaction yet magnify the perceived financial risks due to their own biases, anxiety, unmet fears, or social conditioning. Financial concerns are valid and will be addressed in this chapter. Nevertheless, if you think, “I don’t want my child to fail and struggle financially,” recognize that this is a projection of your fears, not your child’s truth. This insecurity is something you must confront so you can offer your child the unconditional love essential for their true self to flourish. Allowing your child to pursue work that aligns with their true self requires embracing the messy, joyful process of letting them explore, fail, and grow. When you embrace this mindset, you gift your child something far greater than mere stability: You help them live a life free from regret.
You will avoid Rebecca’s mistake and become a deeply loving parent when you become a deeply self-aware parent. You live through your true self and do not let your personal bias hinder your child’s growth. In this way, you appreciate the wisdom of pioneering Swiss psychologist Carl Jung who stated, “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.”
This article is an excerpt from the Parenting Chapter in Choose Your Work
Dan Dobos writes about decision making, personal growth, human potential, fulfillment and helping people choose the work that they are meant to do. He is the author of Choose Your Work.