The way to help the development of your child’s true self is to strengthen your child’s intrinsic motivation. This is the inner drive your child has to do things, as opposed to extrinsic motivation, in which incentives are used to spur action. You want your child to do things out of love, not because they “have to do it.”
Extrinsic motivation, with its rewards and incentives, promotes an adapted self that seeks to please others. Intrinsic motivation allows your child to develop their true self and choose the work they are meant to do.
But some parents believe that giving their children rewards can motivate them to take action. For example, some parents choose to give their children cash rewards for excellent academic results. Is this helpful?
A famous study suggests otherwise, demonstrating that extrinsic rewards actually weaken intrinsic motivation. In this study, psychologists observed nursery school children who already loved drawing and divided them into three groups.
Group One was promised a reward for drawing, Group Two unexpectedly received a reward afterward, and Group Three drew without any rewards.
Two weeks later, when the children were free to choose whether to draw again, those who had been promised a reward showed the least interest — they had started to see drawing as something they did for a reward rather than for the love of drawing. In contrast, the two groups who were not promised a reward maintained their enthusiasm for drawing. The researchers replicated the experiment with other students and adults, finding similar results.
This study highlights the ineffectiveness of “if-then” rewards. When people are rewarded for doing something they naturally enjoy, this mechanism turns pleasure into a transaction. It causes the person to think, “If I do this activity, I get a reward,” so if there is no promise of a reward, there is no reason to do the activity. The transaction destroys the inherent love the person had in doing the activity.
This has far-reaching implications for how to relate to your child. When a parent says to a child, “It’s important to get good grades in math,” the implication is that there is a reward for academic excellence in math. This is exactly what the study discourages because this comment reduces intrinsic motivation.
The brilliant poet Kahlil Gibran echoes the same message:
And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Gibran reveals how growth requires spaciousness. As a parent, you want to provide your child with the opportunity to grow. You want to create the right conditions.
This article is an excerpt from the Parenting Chapter in Choose Your Work
Dan Dobos writes about decision making, personal growth, human potential, fulfillment and helping people choose the work that they are meant to do. He is the author of Choose Your Work.